Hello parent, if you’ve landed here, there’s every chance you’ve started to wonder whether you or your child might be neurodivergent.

Maybe you’ve noticed certain traits in your child, read something that resonated, or had a teacher gently raise the question.

And perhaps, along the way, you’ve found yourself thinking, “Hang on a minute… some of this sounds like me, too.”

If so, you’re in very good company. We know that many parents have these wonderings, but can feel nervous to share their thoughts because of reactions such as “it’s normal!” or “don’t over-react!” or “oh, everyone’s neurodivergent nowadays aren’t they?” Some parents – perhaps you? – even start to worry that they have caused the traits they are seeing.

We know that many parents have these wonderings, but feel nervous to share their thoughts because of reactions such as “it’s normal!” or “don’t over-react!”

But being wired up differently is very real, most certainly not caused by parenting, and not imagined, either.

In this blog post, we’ll explore the wondering journey, and cover information that can help you work out where to go next. Whether you’re right at the beginning of your questions, or further along the path, this guide is for you.

What Does “Neurodivergent” Mean?

Let’s start with the basics. The term “neurodiverse” can refer to the range of neurotypes in society, or within any group of people, but “neurodivergent” is the word we use when talking about an individual. Neurodivergent simply means that your brain works a bit differently from what society considers “typical.”

It’s an umbrella term that covers a whole range of ways of being, including autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia, Tourette’s, sensory processing differences, and more. None of these are “faults” or “deficits”. They’re just different wiring, which can bring unique strengths as well as challenges.

None of these are “faults” or “deficits”. They’re just differences, which can bring unique strengths as well as challenges.

In this blog, as well as considering neurodivergence as a wider concept, we will focus mostly on autism and ADHD, mainly because these are the two most common neurodevelopmental differences - and they also frequently occur together (you’ll hear the term ‘AuDHD’ for this).

The Beginning: Wondering for Your Child

For most of us, the wondering begins with noticing something a bit “different” about our child, perhaps compared to their friends or siblings. But these signs can be subtle, and fleeting, and so we wonder if we’re seeing things that aren’t there.

But then when we try to use typical parenting advice, it seems to backfire and we’re left thinking: is this my fault, or…?

Often, parents embrace the term “highly sensitive” at first, because it seems to describe their child well. The orchid/dandelion distinction can also be helpful, whereby “orchid” kids are more sensitive to their environment than “dandelion” children, who appear more resilient.

These descriptors help parents to understand and support their child when they are young. They are reassuring and normalising of difference.

The orchid/dandelion distinction can be helpful, whereby “orchid” kids are more sensitive to their environment than “dandelion” children.

However, as children get older, parents might start to feel this is no longer enough.

Children may not have grown out of the differences originally put down to “being a toddler”, and certain characteristics might start to become more obvious or challenging.

It’s at this point that many parents start to wonder if there might be another way to describe what they’re sensing.

Signs Your Child Might Be Neurodivergent

So, you’ve noticed differences, but you can’t be sure what they mean. What do signs of neurodivergence really look like in everyday life?

In this section, we explore some common patterns, behaviours, and characteristics that can suggest neurodivergence.

1. Sensory Differences

One of the earliest clues parents notice is how a child responds to sensory information:

A strong dislike of certain sounds (hand dryers are a common one)
Avoidance of certain textures (sand, grass, seams in socks, labels in clothes)
Fussiness with food (picky eating, “beige” diet, strong preferences and aversions)
Differences with touch preference (may not be a “cuddly” child and dislike unexpected contact; or may need extra firm and frequent touch input)
Under- or over-reacting to pain, temperature, or hunger (due to interoception differences – ability to recognise and interpret body signals)
Avoidance of sensory-intense activities such as swimming lessons, going in the bath, brushing teeth

Neurodivergent people of all kinds tend to find they are more sensitive than usual to sensory input.

Neurodivergent people of all kinds tend to find they are more sensitive than usual to sensory input. This makes sense when we consider the high overlap between the concepts of “high sensitivity” and “neurodivergence” – as well as neurological research that suggests the neurodivergent wiring takes in much more raw sensory data than a neurotypical brain and body.

However, strong sensory differences are most common in autistic people, as they are part of the diagnostic criteria, whereas they don’t appear in the criteria for ADHD.

2. Social and Communication Differences

Children who are neurodivergent might interact a bit differently:

Prefer being with adults or younger/older children rather than peers
Seem anxious and clingy at social events; or become overly hyperactive and disruptive
May have a small group of friends, or one intense best friend
Different language use or tone (e.g. a very loud voice, speech more advanced or delayed than peers)
Situational mutism that goes past “being shy”
May have friends at primary age but start to struggle as they head towards secondary (especially for girls)
May miss subtle social cues from other children
May play the clown in order to be liked; or may be “bossy”

Many autistic children (and adults) are perfectly capable of making eye contact, especially with people they know.

Interestingly, “good” eye contact is often given as a reason for why a child “can’t be” autistic, but it’s worth knowing that many autistic children (and adults) are perfectly capable of making eye contact, especially with people they know. They may, however, show more fleeting or unusually intense eye contact in less familiar situations – but this can be hard to spot.

3. Emotional Regulation and Meltdowns

Have you seen big feelings, intense reactions, sensory overload, or emotional “crashes”? You’re not alone. You might notice:

Frequent meltdowns after school/nursery (“restraint collapse”, where child holds it together all day and lets go at home)
Emotional reactions seeming “bigger” or “longer” than other children; meltdowns that can last up to an hour or more
Biting, head-banging, and lashing out when upset
Using unusually hurtful or extreme language for their age when distressed
Low frustration tolerance: not coping well with losing games or getting things wrong
Triggers often related to transitions between activities and situations, and being told “no”.
May laugh when told off; or else be highly sensitive to criticism or rejection

ADHDers often show a more irritable profile, with frequent but more short-lived meltdowns, often related to frustration.

Autistic children might struggle more with longer meltdowns where parents feel like they can’t “reach” their child until they eventually calm down.

4. Routines, Rigidity, and Repetition

Insisting on same routines; needing to have the same plate, seat, toy, item of clothing
Wanting to watch/read the same thing repeatedly; repeating phrases and “ear worms”
Become easily dysregulated if things change; strugging to move between one activity/place/season to the next
May find the arrival of a new sibling especially difficult
Perfectionism and black-or-white thinking (rules must be followed exactly)
Can seem “oppositional” and stubborn
Difficulties with sharing past what seems a typical age; may need to be first in a queue
May tend towards being literal
Often very sensitive to fairness and justice
May make repeated movements that seem to express joy or self-soothe (pacing, skin picking, rubbing hands, many others – this is called “stimming”)

Routine and rigidity tend to be more traits of autistic folk than ADHDers, so if you notice this in your child, an autistic profile might be in the mix.

5. Attention Differences

Can focus well on things they are interested in, but struggle to pay attention to other tasks
Can be completely absorbed in a task and unable to break away
May not always respond to their name; others may question their hearing
Struggle to follow more than one instruction step at a time; problems “listening”, difficulty keeping on track
May find it hard to complete tasks you know they can do (e.g. getting dressed on their own)
Can be disorganised and lose things often
Can seem daydreamy

Attention differences show up for both ADHD and autistic people in ways that can look similar but might be slightly different.

They’re often related to something called “executive functioning” skills, which are abilities around attention, organisation, starting/stopping/switching tasks, planning, understanding time and multi-tasking.

6. Impulsivity and Hyperactivity

May seem “busier” than other kids
Takes more risks; a lesser sense of danger
Takes shortcuts; struggles to wait their turn
May talk faster, louder, more often, and interrupts
May have a racing mind with lots of thoughts
Can make lots of little noises while playing or concentrating
Fidgets and appears restless when asked to sit still
Might find it hard to stop skin picking, chewing lips, chewing sleeves, hair sucking or pulling

These signs may be more common for ADHDers, although the last bullet is often seen in autistic people too because it overlaps with sensory needs and stimming actions.

7. Strengths to Watch For

Neurodivergent kids often have striking strengths, of course! Frequent strengths can be:

Early reading (also known as hyperlexia)
Advanced vocabulary, using “grown-up” language, sounding wise beyond their years
Amazing attention to detail (noticing things others miss) and strong memory for small or unusual things
Intense creativity, imagination, or artistic ability
Ease with numbers or spatial skills (including building lego)
Intense knowledge or skill in a particular subject/interest: these interests are sources of joy, comfort, and identity.
A deep sense of empathy, ethics and justice - often especially for animals
Working “adult” things out earlier than other kids (e.g. Santa and the tooth fairy; realising parents can’t force them to do things!)
General ability to “think outside the box” – to see things differently

As a parent, you know how special your child is. Developing their sense of identity with these strengths is crucial as they grow up.

8. Other “Clues” to Neurodivergence

These lesser known neurodivergent traits come up again and again, so if you’ve noticed some if these, they could be part of the picture:

Sleep difficulties (trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep, wanting to sleep with parents, past a “typical” age)
Needing constant parental attention (finding it hard to play independently, or no amount of attention seems to “fill them up”)
Trouble with toilet training, especially for faeces and dryness at night (related to interoception differences – our ability to understand our body signals)
Going outside without proper clothing (not realising when cold due to interoception differences)
Increased allergies, gastrointestinal issues, hypermobility (yes, there’s evidence these are more common in autistic/ADHD folks)
Seen as “quirky” and may reject societal norms more readily (especially for autistic kids), such as wearing non-confirming clothes or haircuts.

Remember: every child is different. Your child may have some, all, or even the opposite traits in some areas.

Children also often show certain traits, behaviours or emotions some of the time, but not all. Far from meaning that neurodivergence can be ruled out, it simply means that neurodivergent people are human – just like everyone else!

Looking for a general pattern or recurring themes over time is important. It can help to jot down little notes or examples in case you need to refer back to them in future, otherwise these observations get lost in the blur of everyday life.

It can help to jot down little notes or examples in case you need to refer back to them in future.

And don’t worry, professionals expect a pattern rather than a cookie-cutter tick-box, and they’re experienced at decoding what might seem contradictory to parents and teachers.

Wondering About Yourself Too?

Something many parents don’t expect is that, while researching their child’s traits, they start to recognise themselves.

You might start to re-think your own childhood, and recall feeling “too sensitive,” “too intense,” or misunderstood growing up. Perhaps you’ve always felt a bit “different”… a deep thinker, easily overwhelmed, or someone who’s never quite found your groove socially. Maybe you’ve spent years masking, copying others, keeping it all together, and then crashing at home.

Common adult signs of neurodivergence might include (in addition to overlaps with the signs above for your child):

Sensory overload and/or social exhaustion
Life-long masking (trying to fit in)
Strong emotions and trouble regulating yourself
Difficulties with organisation, planning, or time awareness
Perfectionism and high self-criticism
Intense passions or hyperfocus
Deep empathy, creativity, or moral intensity
Intense impact of hormones on mood and mental health (e.g. in adolescence, pregnancy, peri-menopause)
Experience of burnout
A particularly difficult time adjusting to parenthood

This “wondering” about yourself isn’t self-indulgent, it’s often the missing piece that helps you understand both your own story and your parenting experience.

And of course, because neurodivergence often runs in families it’s common to realise that your own parents or grandparents may have shared similar experiences – but without the understanding we have now. This intergenerational awareness can bring both a sense of healing and of tension with family members.

A neurodivergent lens can help us look back upon our life story with less shame and criticism, and more compassion and understanding. We explore this more in our Kindsight blog, that you can find here.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

The wondering phase – both for you and for your child - comes with a lot of mixed feelings. You might notice:

Relief: “Finally, it all makes sense!”

Grief: “Why didn’t I realise sooner?”

Guilt: “Is it my fault?”

Hope: “Maybe there’s a way to make life easier.”

Fear: “What will this mean for my child’s future?”

Anger: “Why did no one notice before?”

Imposter syndrome: “Do I (or my child) count as neurodivergent, am I overreacting?”

Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay. There’s no right emotional response. The goal is to give yourself space to feel and process what’s coming up for you. Know that you’re not alone in this journey.

Should You Seek an Assessment?

Many parents get stuck here: Is it time to seek an assessment?

There’s no perfect time. Some parents prefer to get clarity sooner so they have some certainty to work from, for their child, or for themselves. Others prefer to hold off until they feel surer it’s needed, or until their child starts to find things more difficult in some way and they need more specific support.

Some parents prefer to get clarity sooner so they have some certainty to work from. Others prefer to hold off until they feel surer it’s needed.

For some children, differences start to become clearer around age 7 as the toddler years are left behind. For others, particularly girls or those who mask, the differences might only show up later, perhaps at the secondary transition, as social and organisational demands make a steep increase and hormones start to play a role.

Some parents seek an assessment for themselves first, and when they’re comfortable with their own neurodivergence, they feel surer about exploring this for their child. Often, this happens the other way around, too.

Why consider assessment?

It can bring validation, understanding and a positive identity – both for you, and for your child.
It can unlock access to support in school or at work.
It helps you adapt environments and expectations through a more compassionate and realistic lens.

You can explore this topic more here.

If you do seek assessment, look for clinicians who:

Understand both autism and ADHD, and their overlap
Consider sensory, emotional, and executive functioning differences
Work in a neuroaffirming, compassionate way

Remember: a good assessment should offer more than a “yes/no.” It should leave you with a rich understanding of what helps you or your child thrive.

But it’s also OK to wait

If you’re not ready or assessment access feels impossible, that’s valid too. It’s ok to hold off and see how things go.

“Self-identification” is also valid and can allow you to see yourself and/or your child through a neurodivergent lens without a diagnosis. Understanding neurodivergent needs doesn’t require a formal label to start making meaningful changes.

Many families choose to “act as if” - putting supportive strategies in place right away. This can help us feel more connected to our child, more compassionate and empathetic and more confident in our choices. In fact, we find that parenting strategies that support neurodivergent children also benefit neurotypical kids.

Parenting strategies that support neurodivergent children also benefit neurotypical kids.

So, if you’re not sure, you can test out using a neurodivergent lens to help understand and parent your child – and if they turn out not to be neurodivergent, that’s still ok.

Final Thoughts

If you’re still quietly reading and thinking, “This sounds a bit like us,” that’s perfectly okay. You don’t need to have all the answers yet.

Curiosity is enough.

It’s the first step towards understanding yourself and your child more deeply. We recently explored these themes together in one of our monthly parent webinars. The session was recorded and is available on-demand if you’d like to dive in.

Whether or not you ever pursue diagnosis, whether you identify as neurodivergent or not, what matters is compassion: for yourself, for your child, and for the messy work of parenting.

You also don’t have to navigate this on your own.

Community makes everything lighter. If you need a starting point, our Neurodivergent Parent Space community is a gentle place to begin, with cosy chats, informative webinars, and evidence-based resources to help you feel supported, not overwhelmed.

All parents are welcome.

Whatever stage of your wondering or parenting journey you are at.

Find out more here, and look out for our three free suggested book lists for parents, too. We really hope to see you there.

Jo & The Neurodiversity Practice Team